Pudding. Of course. If you are a female assistant vice president.

The "congratulations dear, but exactly what does an assistant vice president do?" Pudding.



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"...instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself."

Often a wife fails to realize that doubts due to one intimate neglect shut her out from happy married love.



A man marries a woman because he loves her. So instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself. Is she truly trying to keep her husband and herself eager, happy married lovers? One most effective way to safeguard her dainty feminine allure is by practicing complete feminine hygiene as provided by vaginal douches with a scientifically correct preparation like "Lysol". So easy a way to keep married lovers apart.
(...) You, too, can rely on "Lysol" to help protect your married happiness...keep you desirable!

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You're beautiful. You know from girl things. Like cooking. And sewing. And smelling nice.

You're beautiful. You know from girl things. Like cooking. And sewing. And smelling nice. And looking in mirrors. But football? So, all day Sunday, he takes his six-pack, plants his highness in fornt of the TV and watches those overgrown goots run into each other. And you've got nothing to do but talk to the other football widows on the phone.



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It's nice to a have a girl's head under your foot.

Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn't have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble style sure soothes the savage heart! If you'd like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash-wear blend of 65% "Dacron" and 35% rayon - incomparably wrinkle-resistant.



A display of affection is great ... but enough is enough. She couldn't keep her hands off him. Always the little hugs, the pats on the cheek. Sly pinches. It could drive a man to the licence bureau. It all began when he wore his first pair of Mr. Leggs Slacks, tailored by Thomson. But he kept his head; now everything's under control. Why don't you try a pair of Mr. Leggs ... and get ready to dig.
FREE! Does your girl have perfect legs? ...



- images via and via, more ads: link and link

You Usually Find them with One of Those Lady Drinks

Many women don't find whiskey very likeable.
In fact, they find it hard to take.
So you usually find them with gin or vodka, or one of those lady drinks.



But we've changed all that. We've given whiskey more appeal.
A lady can even drink Soft Whiskey straight. Without batting an eyelash. Soft Whiskey swallows nice and easy, treating her ever so tenderly.
But don't get the wrong idea. Soft Whiskey is not softie. It's 86 proof. And does exactly what any 86 proof does. It just does it softer. So lady, be discreet.
Now, about the softening process. All we can tell you is, some of Calvert Extra is distilled in small batches instead of huge ones. Forgive our being so closemouthed. But we fell flat on our faces in year after year of experiments before we found the formula.
After all that, we're not going to make it easy for anyone to steal our women.

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Take the Pledge

Before buying your wife a new cross-flow Cortina, make her repeat after you: I WILL see the housework's done before dashing off to show the girls my new Cortina's chic interior colour scheme. I WILL spend more time behind the wheel of my sewing machine than the padded wheel of my Cortina and running through my smooth automatic transmission. I WILL put up with washday blues before scenic views. I WON'T get parking tickets simply to draw attention to my new Cortina.



image (1969) via

She Is Called Alice. Not Henry.

"Alice" is the machine on the right - an artificial voice that simulates the sound pressure of a human voice talking into a telephone.
The more than 7.000.000 phones Western Electric makes for the Bell System each year, at our Indianapolis and Shreveport plants, must respond perfectly to every sound she makes before they pass inspection.



Alice is just one of many testing devices Western Electric uses to make sure every piece of telephone equipment we make for the Bell System communications network functions the way it's supposed to.
Because that network is so reliable, you can call almost anywhere, and reach the one number you want out of millions in seconds.
If you're wondering why we named her "Alice" instead of "Sam" or "Henry" - can you image giving a man's name to a machine that always has the last word?

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How to warm a calculating woman's heart

How to warm a calculating woman's heart: give her Monroe's fast-printing calculator with 15 digit capacity.



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Keep up with the house while you keep down your weight.

Don't lose vitality while watching your weight. Live right, eat right. Get vitamins and iron from 'TOTAL'. Now 'TOTAL' has more vitamins than any other cereal. A one-ounce bowlful gives you 100% of the minimum daily adult vitamin and iron requirements - plus a delicious crunchy taste.
'TOTAL' watches your vitamins while you watch your weight.



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She who has BALLS shall conquer the world.

There was a time when it took a heavy dose of spunk for a women (sic) to stand up and be counted. Joan of Arc hid her gams in a suit of armor to defend Louis's honor. Amelia Earhart donned a sexless jumpsuit to fly into the wild blue yonder. Madame Curie wore whites and gazed longingly at test tubes.
These days, women have finally come into their own - with pants and permanents, muscles and makeup. But there still are a couple of things we can't lay claim to right?
Not any more, Mary. Now we've got BALLS.



BALLS is the new candy sensation that lets you conquer the world. Just pop a few BALLS into your mouth and you'll be ready for anything - a battle with the boss at the office (he can't give you the shaft!); a tough game of tennis with Bob (the score'll be forty/love). ...
And now, wear BALLS on your chest, this attractive, 100 percent cotton yummy yellow T-shirt is available with three tempting teasers:
"You need BALLS to conquer the world."
"She who has BALLS shall conquer the world."
"BALLS candy gives you courage."

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image (1978) via

Why are more single girls switching to cigar smokers?

Chances are she saw him before he saw her. She knows he'll treat her as he would a cigar: tenderly, affectionately, appreciatively. What's more, cigar smokers start young and stay young ... very important for girls with long range plans.



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Presenting The Losers

Pretty good, aren't they? We admit it. And they're probably good enough to get a job practically anywhere they want.
But not as an Eastern Airline stewardess.
We pass up around 19 girls, before we get one that qualifies. If looks were everything, it wouldn't be so tough. Sure, we want her to be pretty...don't you? That's why we look at her face, her make-up, her complexion, her figure, her weight, her legs, her grooming, her nails and her hair.



But we don't stop there. We talk. And we listen. We listen to her voice, her speech. We judge her personality, her maturity, her intelligence, her intentions, her enthusiasm, her resiliency and her stamina.
We don't want a stewardess to be impatient with a question you may have, or careless in serving your dinner, or unconcerned about your needs.
So we try to eliminate these problems by taking a lot more time and passing up a lot more girls.
It may make our job a lot harder. But it makes your flying a lot easier.



"If this isn't the most sexist TV commercial ever, it's close."
Mike Mashon

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image (probably 1967) via

Are you making plans for your wife's death? (1983)

After hours of office work, could you face hours of housework?
Could you be an executive by day and a chambermaid by night?
Could you afford £2.000 a year for a family cook?
Who'll play nursemaid if the kids fall ill?



Come on now, own up. The thought hasn't so much as crossed your mind, has it?
All along, you've blithely assumed that you'll be the first to go.
That your wife will be the one  who will need the financial looking-after.
That yours is the life that should be insured, not hers.
Noble and worthy sentiments indeed. But, if we may say so, short sighted ones, too.
There's no guaranteeing that your wife will outlive you.
(According to statistics, little more than a 60% chance in fact).
So have you ever thought what would happen to you if the unthinkable happened to her?
Not in the dim distant future.
But tomorrow, Friday, 24th June 1983? Could you cope?
On the purely practical front, think of the cooking, the washing, the hours of housework that you'd have to put in. More importantly, there's the children to consider.
Could you ever devote the sort of time to them they need and deserve?
The nightly bedtime stories? Helping them out with their maths homework? Teaching them what's what in the big wide world?
Heaven knows, you'd need help. Lots of it.
And like everything else nowadays, that sort of help doesn't come cheap.
According to a recent survey, the average mother of three ploughs through eighty hours of housework a week.
Eighty hours, mind.
At £2.50 an hour, that comes to a staggering £10,400 a year. Where on earth are you going to get hold of that sort of money?
Well, you could start at the bottom right hand corner of this page.
For as little as £15.00 a month, Albany Life can provide cover worth over £50,000 tax free:
If you prefer, we can even draw up a combined 'Husband and Wife' policy that pays out in the event of either of you dying.
If you'd like to discuss things further with us, post off the coupon straight away.
Planning for a wife's death may be no pleasant matter for a husband.
But for a father, it's a very necessary duty.

Albany Life Assurance Company Limited, incorporated on 25 March 1974, was a UK subsidiary of MetLife and sold to rival Canada Life in the 1990s (via and via).

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Father Christmas, Martians, an Ironing Table and a Hoover for Her

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), a science fiction film that is often on the lists of the "worst films ever made", is about Martians that are worried about their children. They are afraid that the children on Mars (who by the way like watching Earth TV) might become more and more unhappy due to the rigid societal structures on the planet. The Martians come to the conclusion that the children need to be allowed to have fun and decide to bring Santa Claus to Mars (via). However, Santa Claus does not seem to have a positive effect on everybody...



... as being in the presence of Christmas display has different effects on people depending on the fact whether they celebrate Christmas or not. In their study, Schmitt et al. asked participants (Christians, non-Christians and non-celebrators) to complete questionnaires on psychological well-being in different conditions, i.e. in the presence and in the absence of Christmas symbols. The authors came to the conclusion that Christmas display had a negative effect on both non-celebrators and non-Christians making them feel less integrated in society.

A good time to all of you - no matter if and what you celebrate.



And now for something completely different (as Monty Python wonderfully put it). If you have not yet decided which Christmas present could be a good idea, here are some inspirational advertisements.

Wives. Look this ad over carefully. via



They all want the same thing, Santa ... my ironing table! via



Even Mrs. Santa Claus wants this one! via



Look at all the Pyrex ware you can give her. via



Make it merry, make it Mojud. via



Christmas morning she'll be happier with a Hoover. via



Give her a Hoover and you give her the best. (...) Lucky woman! Her husband's giving her the Hoover (...) via



She'll be happier with a Hoover this Christmas. via



For Christmas ... I'll love it! via



For a Sentimental Person with a Practical Side! ... What could the lady of your heart cherish more than a gift to preserve youth? via



This Christmas ... treat him like a millionaire! via

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The ideal gift for all occasions. Oh darling, how lovely ... I've just longed for a (...) via



Be a "Real Santa Claus" to "the Wife" via


What a wonderful present for her. via



A Barcalounger is two Christmas Gifts in one! via



O-o-oh Santa - I just love that Microsheen shine! via



Schmitt, M. T., Davies, K., Hung, M. & Wright, S. C. (2010). Identity moderates the effects of Christmas displays on mood, self-esteem, and inclusion. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(6), 1017-1022; photos via and via and via

Women in Space

"Mom, my Martian friend got his footprints on the ceiling."
"Here's Tomorrow's Lestoil! Clean it up."

 

"Women of the future will make the Moon a cleaner place to live."

 

Lestoil 1968: Women of the future will make the Moon a cleaner place to live.
NASA 2013: Of the eight new astronaut recruits, four are women. (photos via)