There are consequences with age ...

"There are consequences with age, so you have to evolve. I've loved becoming a filmmaker. But I would love to continue modeling, and there isn't really any job for me. It's being marginalized - that's the sad part."

Isabella Rossellini"

photograph via

Not the Usual Gender Pay Gap

According to top modelling agent Elizabeth Rose, male models are paid 75% less than female models. While all the top ten female models make millions, only the top three male models make over a million.

The world's highest paid female model made 35 million pounds in 2015 (source Forbes), the highest paid male model made 1.15 million pounds in 2013 (the years compared differ because there was no data compiled for male model incomes in 2015). The discrepency is not only there when it comes to top models. In an interview (2016), Rose mentions: "I had a brief today that came in and it was 'male model, [pay] £1,500', and the female model was £5,000, for the same usage.'" 

An inverse gender pay gap might come as a surprise. What is little surprising are the traditional ageist patterns prevalent in the industry. Female models do make more money. However, they are discriminated against based on their age at an earlier stage. Men have a longer career path and make the most when they are in their thirties - when a great many female models seem to be sent into retirement (via and via).

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photograph of Capucine via

Beautiful Disruption. Nadine Ijewere's Photography.

Nadine Ijewere is a London-born photographer with a Nigerian-Jamaican background. With her approach, she aims to help establish "a new standard of beauty" (via). For her commissions, she usually does most of the casting herself choosing models who (apart from age) do not conform to the traditional industry standards and who are ethnically underrepresented (via). In 2019, she became the first Black woman to shoot a cover for Vogue (via).

My work is all about the celebration of diversity without creating a representation – particularly for women, as we are the ones who are more exposed to beauty ideals and to not being comfortable in who we are.

Nadine Ijewere

I find beauty in all its facets. My work is about showcasing different forms of beauty that I believe our society could do a better job of representing. We are so different, and I think it is especially important to show this in the world of fashion. I follow this principle when I cast models and also by exploring my own origins and identity.

Nadine Ijewere

Excerpts from an interview:

Looking at these images, I wish that I saw these kinds of images and people that looked like me when I was growing up. It’s such an important thing and it’s exciting that there are more Black creatives now using their culture and heritage to create amazing images that can be used for research or reference because it wasn’t necessarily available for me. Even now, it’s in a questionable quantity and finding images for inspiration is quite difficult, but it’s nice that the images we create can inspire the next generation. 

Positivity is important because for so long there have been negative connotations around the Black community and Black women and it’s something that we don’t really see celebrated or portrayed in a beautiful way. In the past, when you did see women of colour, there was always an element in place to make them conform to what the beauty ideal was – whether it’s straightening their hair or lightening their skin. It’s important for me to reframe that and show women of colour in a positive light, that’s what my work is all about.

I would have been a lot less self-conscious because growing up, I was always the sort of person who tried to fit in and change something about me. My hair was a big issue because I grew up in an environment that was predominantly white and went to a school that was the same so I was always trying to assimilate to fit in. 

I would straighten my hair a lot and would wear weaves and extensions instead of my natural hair because in fashion and beauty you never really saw girls with tight curls or Afro-type hair being portrayed as beautiful. If you did, it would be the images in Black hair salons of girls on relaxer kits with silky, straight hair. It was the image that was constantly shoved in your face, so of course you felt insecure because that’s not the hair you had. Even protective styles which are natural like cornrows and braids were seen as not beautiful or unprofessional. 

You become very restricted in a sense and you lose your sense of identity because you’re trying to fit in and be somebody else. I struggled with that for years, but having images like the images I see now would be incredible because it shows beauty as being multifaceted, there’s different kinds of elements and layers to it. It shows it in a different way and celebrates it across the board and that’s super exciting.

Nadine Ijewere

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photographs by Nadine Ijewere via and via and via and via

Pretty, Please. By Allison Morris

"This series of self portraits intends to emphasize and question the outlandish and nonsensical nature of 'feminine' objects and traditions - everything from hairstyles to body modification - the purpose of which is to shape and alter the feminine body, and maintain a firm grasp on an otherwise fleeting youth. Through the ironic and overindulgent use of these oddities, I aim to draw attention to their absurdity and the barrier they create between the person subscribing to them, and the outside world. This work intends to draw attention to these objects in a humorous and satirical way, allowing us to identify the absurd notion of the ideal female."
Allison Morris

photographs via 

Beauty Recovery Room. By Ji Yeo.

"Back home is a culture where men are judged on their financial balance sheet and women by their beauty. The male-dominated media endlessly reinforces its model of the ideal woman."
Ji Yeo

“I have been struck by the clear distinction between the women I photographed in Korea and Westerners who seek surgery. Whereas in America, women often focus on altering their bodies (breast enlargements being the most popular), in Korea most women focus on facial adjustments such as: making their eyes bigger and wider, minimizing their cheekbones and jaw lines, and making their noses higher and narrower. Whereas sexiness is highly emphasized in America, in Korea, notions of childlike femininity and innocence reign supreme. It is this difference that compels me; regardless of geography or body type women are willing to spend thousands of dollars and endure extreme cuts, bruises, and scarring in order to achieve beauty.”
Ji Yeo

Ji Yeo tracked down women undergoing plastic surgery and asked them to sit for her series "Beauty Recovery Room", a series showing them immediately after their procedures, not in their "new, enhanced" state. 

The idea of recording the moment when they look their worst: showing their bloodstained bandages, bruises, surgical guideline marks, and swollen body is not part of the fantasy of transformation.
Ji Yeo

The women who were willing to cooperate with Yeo were women who did not have support from friends or family. Yeo made a deal by guaranteeing that she would take care of them during the period of transformation (drive them to surgery, pick them up, cook for them, go to the pharmacy etc.) and, in treturn, they would sit for a portrait. Yeo was somewhat shocked to see how pleased the women were immediately after the surgeries (via).

During the photo shoots, even though they were in extreme pain, I could feel their excitement, the excitement of hopes realized. They seemed not to have the fears that I had; in fact, most of them were planning other surgeries in the near future. 
Ji Yeo

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photographs via and via and via and via

The Pressure to be "Beach Body Ready"

According to a survey (n = 2,000) on the so-called beach body and the stressors accompanying it, conducted by Estrid last year, 49% of respondents were worried about being "beach body ready". Two-thirds (70%) of  so-called "millennials", 66% of "Gen-Z" and one third (30%) of people aged 55 and over were concerned about being "beach body ready".

The sample was asked what the main concerns were; here some answers: pressure to look and feel physically fit (52%), generally feeling "beach body ready" (49%), pressure to remove body hair (48%), enhancing the grooming regime (47%).

The reasons why people felt the need to remove body hair for the beach were: to feel cleaner (22%), feeling insecure when showing body hair (11%), increased confidence through shaving (11%), the feeling to be judged by others if they don't remove body hair (9%).

The most pressure was felt from friends (20%), peers of similar age (20%), social media (17%), and social media influencers (10%) (via). Enjoy your summer!

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photograph by Gary Winogrand via

Quoting Lauren Hutton

“I don’t believe your looks go. I intend to be one of the best-looking old ladies that anybody’s ever seen and if that happens to me, then that means I had a good life.”
Lauren Hutton, 1974

photograph via

Feeling One's Underrepresentation in the Beauty Industry

"Mirror/Mirror: Survey of Women's Reflections of Beauty, Image and Media" is a survey conducted in 2019. It found that 64% of women aged 39 to 54 and 74% of women aged 55 to 73 feel that the beauty industry creates products not having people their age in mind and that they are underrepresented in beauty advertising. More than 70% of the women across both age groups state that they would be more likely to purchase from brands that are more inclusive in terms of age. 76% of women aged 22 to 38 agree with this statement (via).

photographs of Joan Crawford by Eve Arnold (1959) via 

Inclusive Miss Universe

In 2022, IMG sold the Miss Universe Organization to Thai businesswoman and advocate for transgender rights Anne Jakapong Jakrajutatip. Since its foundation more than seven decades ago, it is now the first time that a woman owns the organisation. The first Miss Universe pageant was held in 1952 with an age limit of 28 (27 for Miss World, 25 for Femina Miss India, 55 for Mrs Universe but she needs to be married). In its 72 years of history, Miss Universe crowned 40 women aged 17 to 20; in the past years most of the contestants were not older than 25. R'Bonney Gabriel is the oldest Miss Universe (2022) to date. She was 28 when she competed. 

In 2018, the first openly transgender person took part. Only in 2023 was the end of age restrictions announced. 2023 also means the end of restrictions on participants who are married, divorced or pregnant (via and via and via).

photographs (1969) via and via and (1967) via

"Miss Black and Beautiful" and Raphael Albert's Photography

Raphael Albert (1935-2009) was born on the Caribbean island of Grenada where he struggled to make a living selling his artwork to tourists on the beach. He moved to London in 1953 with an old Kodak camera in his suitcase. There, Albert studied photography at college and worked part-time at Lyons cake factory. After graduating, he worked as a freelance photographer documenting the West Indian communities in London. In 1970, Albert launched the "Miss black and Beautiful" contest, followed by "Miss West Indies in Great Britain", "Miss Teenager of the West Indies in Great Britain", and "Miss Grenada". For thirty years, Albert documented the pageants photographically and commissioned other photographers to shoot them (via and via).

"Albert’s photographs offer a rare insight into an ambiguous cultural performance at a particular historical conjuncture. Most importantly, the photographs in the exhibition offer a rare insight into an ambivalent cultural performance of gendered and raced identities at a particular historical conjuncture. As such, they serve as testament to a profound moment of self-fashioning and collective celebration in London’s pan Afro-Caribbean communities. His images are imbued with an exquisite, revolutionary sensuality and a certain joie de vivre, which I find refreshing and illuminating at the same time. Many of the models in Albert’s photographs embody an aura of hedonistic confidence in a new generation of black women coming of age in Britain during the 1970s, fuelled by complex cultural politics of identity, difference and desire."
Renee Mussai

"One could argue that Albert’s photographs offer a counter narrative to dominant photographic moments of the time, such as images of protest with raised fists locked in revolt, and other signs of discrimination and racial turmoil as often seen in the work of black photographers contemporaneous to Albert, such as Neil Kenlock and Armet Francis. Refreshingly, there are no signs of displacement or marginality, nor a sense of alienation in Albert’s portraits–his pageant images offer a different, and perhaps lighter, form of cultural resistance.

But it is equally important to remember that Albert’s photographs of the late 1960s and early 1970s were taken at a time of “No dogs. No blacks. No Irish” in a country irrevocably tainted by Enoch Powell’s 1968 “Rivers of Blood” anti-immigration speech, delivered only three years after the introduction of the 1965 Race Relations Act, the first legislation passed in the UK to outlaw racial discrimination on the grounds of colour, race, or ethnic or national origins."
Renee Mussai

photographs by Raphael Albert via (1- Miss West Indies in GB contestant at Blythe Road, London, 1970s, 2- Beauty queen posing against alpine backdrop, London, 1970s, 3 - Crowned beauty queen with fellow contestants, London, 1970s, 4 - Beauty queen, London, 1970s) and via

Quoting Lauren Bacall

"I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that."

Lauren Bacall

photograph by Annie Leibowitz via

Long Hair, Short Hair... Associations and Stereotypes

According to research findings, women with long and medium-length hair are rated more attractive than those with short hair. Hair has an impact on the perception of attraction but is less decisive than facial traits. In other words, beautiful women with short hair are rated more attractive than less beautiful women with long hair. In addition, attractive faces are connected with more desirable traits than hairdressing but hair is also used to make personality judgments: Long hair is associated with dominant, intelligent, feminine, healthy women, short hair is associated with honest, caring, emotional women (Bereczkei & Meskó, 2006).



- Bereczkei, T. & Meskó, N. (2006). Hair length, facial attractiveness, personality attribution: A multiple fitness model of hairdressing. Review of Psychology, 13, 35-42.
- photograph (Audrey Hepburn, 1953) via

Female + Attractive? Attributions of Personal Characteristics and Prison Sentences

232 students (178 female, 54 male) were presented a set of crime accounts (theft, fraud, drug crime, child abuse, child molestation/sexual abuse, homicide) with either accompanying women's or men's faces (all of them of Nordic appearance aged 20 to 26). The photographs were computer manipulated resulting in four new pictures for women: short hair + no cosmetics, short hair + cosmetics, long hair + no cosmetics, long hair + cosmetics and four new ones for men: short hair + no beard, short hair + beard, long hair + no beard, long hair + beard.



Each participant read a case summary, looked at the photograph and was asked to answer a questionnaire as a lay assessor who decides the innocence or guilt of the defendant, and to sentence them to a specific number of years of imprisonment.
The main result was that male defendants are evaluated more harshly and given longer sentences than female ones. The authors come to the conclusion that they were "in fact punished for their gender". There was also a slight tendency "towards more lenient appraisal of the more attractive women".



- Ahola, A. S., Christianson, S. & Hellström, Å. (2009). Justice Needs a Blindfold: Effects of Gender and Attractiveness on Prison Sentences and Attributions of Personal Characteristics in a Judicial Process. Psychiatry, Psychology and Law, 16(1), 90-100.
- photographs of Patrick McGoohan as "The Prisoner" via

Body Care

"In Body care series, I pose as a modern man who presents a desperate desire to be forever young. Once I stumbled on a nose-slimming pin in the online shop. I remembered my childhood complexes and started to buy seemingly pointless treatments to stop aging and somehow improve my appearance. There is no evidence that a cream or a mask actually work. The irony is: we’d need a lifetime to find out which would make a difference."
Arseniy Neskhodimov



photographs via

Fat Rolls. From Hiding to Accentuating.

"The project started by me looking at how I had dealt with my own body image over the previous years. I started by taking a series of photographs wearing a waist clincher I had bought in Brazil a couple of years ago. The intention of that purchase was having a slimmer figure, but the piece was so tight that it would make rolls pop up and down. So, to smooth them out, you'd need a specific type of bra, then a specific type of knickers and so on. I was interested in proposing a new way of looking at those areas that I had tried to hide so much before."
Karoline Vitto



"To me, this collection is not really about size, but about form. Aesthetic pressure is something that most women, if not all women, suffer from. I'm not trying to say that this is a solution, or that I am telling everyone's story – body acceptance is a very individual process – but what I really hoped with this collection was proposing a kinder way of looking at areas we used to consider 'flaws'."
Karoline Vitto

"I think more and more brands are concerned about representativity. That means not only more diversity on catwalks but also more sizes to chose from – different body types on ads and media. However, I know that there has been a lot of talk about how body positivity is a 'trend', which is a word that I totally disagree with. It shouldn’t be a trend, it should be part of what we consider when we design. Ultimately, that's one of the biggest barriers for small brands and young designers, the variety of sizes always makes production more complicated. I would still love to see not only more sizes, but also more shapes within the same size."
Karoline Vitto

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photograph/more via

The Beauty-and-Goodness Stereotype in Hollywood

The beauty-and-goodness stereotype is rather learned, at least partly ... and not so much from direct observation of people of varying attractiveness but acculturation where the entertainment media plays a crucial role. Hollywood filmmakers, in fact, "have been portraying physically attractive individuals more favorably than their less attractive counterparts in terms of their moral goodness, romantic activity, and life outcomes" (Smith, McIntosh & Bazzini, 1999)



Abstract: Physically attractive individuals are often viewed more favorably than unattractive people on dimensions that are weakly related or unrelated to physical looks, such as intelligence, sociability, and morality. Our study investigated the role of U.S. films in this "beauty-and-goodness" stereotype. In Study 1, we established that attractive characters were portrayed more favorably than unattractive characters on multiple dimensions (e.g., intelligence, friendliness) across a random sample from 5 decades of top-grossing films. The link between beauty and positive characteristics was stable across time periods, character sex, and characters' centrality to the plot. Study 2 established that exposure to highly stereotyped films can elicit stronger beauty-and-goodness stereotyping. Participants watching a highly biased film subsequently showed greater favoritism toward an attractive graduate school candidate (compared with ratings of an unattractive candidate) than participants viewing a less biased film.



- Smith, S. M., McIntosh, W. D., & Bazzini, D. G. (1999). Are the beautiful good in Hollywood? An investigation of the beauty and goodness stereotype on film. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 21(1), 69-80.
- photograph of Oliver Reed via and Capucine via

The Tall-Man Stereotype. Do Blind People Share it?

A great many studies support positive social perceptions of tall men and associations with independence, dominance, leadership, intelligence, academic achievements, competence, and socio-economic status. Tall men are more likely to win political elections due to presumed greater leadership skills, are seen as more attractive and preferred as mates (marry earlier, remarry more often, get more replies to so-called lonely heart advertisements).

In the current research, we aimed to examine whether blind people, who live in a culture with a strong tall-man stereotype, but are not able to see the stature of men and therefore associate it with particular, positive traits, share the positive tallness stereotype. Our goal was to compare preferences of congenitally blind and sighted individuals in the area of interpersonal attractiveness, namely in its four aspects – perceived intelligence, wealth, leadership skills and social-economic status. It was hypothesized that congenitally blind people have not developed the tall man stereotype (...).

Participants (n=77, i.e. 43 sighted and 34 congenitally blind people of whom 17 male, 17 female) were read to a short story about a fictitious person called Thomas who in one version was 1.66m tall and 1.90m in the second version. Afterwards, participants were asked to assess to what extent Thomas was intelligent, wealthy, a good leader, and how high his social status was.
In the case of intelligence, sighted participants assessed "tall Thomas" (M = 3.62) as more intelligent than "short Thomas" (M = 3.09) but no differences where found in the blind group. Sighted participants rated "tall Thomas" as wealthier (M = 3.62) than "short Thomas" (M = 2.95). Again, blind participants did not differentiate. Sighted participants also evaluated "tall Thomas" (M = 3.57) as a better leader than "short Thomas" (M = 2.73) while blind participants did not distinguish between tall and short Thomas in terms of leadership skills. Similarly, sighted people ranked the social status of "tall Thomas" higher (M = 3.57) than of "short Thomas" (M = 3) while there were no significant disprecpancies in blind participants' assessments (Stefanczyk et al., 2019).

The results of our research indicate that blind people do not associate tallness with a man’s interpersonal abilities, unlike the sighted participants, among whom we observed a pronounced, positive, height-related stereotype in the case of perceived intelligence, wealth, leadership skills and status. These findings are consistent with our hypothesis and suggest that seeing might be necessary to develop the positive stereotype of high male stature. Relatedly, the preference for tall men seems not to be a biological inclination, but rather a learned association.

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- Stefanczyk, M. M., Wernecka, N., Sorokowski, P., & Sorokowska, A. (2019). Do blind people shre the tall-man stereotype? Current Psychology, LINK
- image of tall Max von Sydow via

International No Diet Day. An Abstract.

"This study investigated how people’s attitudes and motivations towards losing weight are influenced by societal pressures surrounding weight loss, their interaction with the obesogenic environment and individuals’ attitudes and motivations towards weight. Semi-structured qualitative interviews were conducted with 10 women currently attending commercial weight-loss programmes. Participants experienced conflicting messages regarding weight norms, with the media portraying powerful social norms relating to thinness and beauty, and changes to the food environment and interactions with family and friends commonly undermining weight-loss activities and promoting increased consumption. Providing social and environmental support for the behaviours needed to produce weight loss may need to be a primary focus for obesity policy." (Whale, Gillison & Smith, 2014)



- Whale, K., Gillison, F. & Smith, P. (2014). "Are you still on that stupid diet?" Women’s experiences of societal pressure and support regarding weight loss, and attitudes towards health policy intervention. Journal of Health Psychology, 19(12), 1536-1546.
- photograph by Harry Meerson via

How Hot are Women with Rectovaginal Endometriosis? Yes, This Study Has Been Published.

The official objective of this study? "To evaluate physical attractiveness in women with and without endometriosis". Implications? Clinical utility? Contribution to medical science? None. Interventions? "Assessment of attractiveness by four independent female and male observers." Conclusions? "Women with rectovaginal endometriosis were judged to be more attractive than those in the two control groups. Moreover, they had a leaner silhouette, larger breasts, and an earlier coitarche."



Yes, this bunch of sexists seriously started judging female patients's attractiveness based on vulgar criteria, asked them about their first intercourse, checked their body mass index, waist-to-hip-ratio and breast-to-underbreast-ratio. Inclusion criteria were e.g. age between 20 and 40 and Caucasian origin. The subjects were asked to complete a questionnaire investigating general information in the first part and sexual history and sexual habits in the second part (62 refused to compile the sexual part of the questionnaire). Since this was not awkward enough, women afterwards "underwent a physical examination by the two trained physicians, including weight and height assessment, measurement of hip, waist, breast and underbreast circumferences. Once this overall evaluation was completed, other four different physicians (...) gave a judgment, based on direct evaluation, on patient attractiveness on a 5-point rating scale (5 = very attractive; 4 = rather attractive; 3 = averagely attractive; 2 = little attractive; 1 = not at all attractive)". On the basis of the mean scores, three categories were defined: very/rather attractive, averagely attractive, little/not at all attractive (29 were unwilling to undergo physical assessment). The would-be scientists "found out" that women with rectovaginal endometriosis had a significantly higher breast-to-underbreast ratio, leaner silhouette, larger breasts, earlier coitarche, and appeared more attractive than those with peritoneal and/or ovarian endometriosis, as well as those without endometriosis. And yes, this "study" is truly gross.

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- Vercellini, P., Buggio, L, Somigliana, E., Barbara G., Viganò, P. & Fedele, L. (2013). Attractiveness of women with rectovaginal endometriosis: a case-control study. Fertility and Sterility, 99(1), 212-218.
- photograph by the amazing Vivian Maier (Chicago, 1961) via

Be a Lady, They Said.

Be a lady they said. Your skirt is too short. Your shirt is too low. Your pants are too tight. Don’t show so much skin. Don’t show your thighs. Don’t show your breasts. Don’t show your midriff. Don’t show your cleavage. Don’t show your underwear. Don’t show your shoulders. Cover up. Leave something to the imagination. Dress modestly. Don’t be a temptress. Men can’t control themselves. Men have needs. You look frumpy. Loosen up. Show some skin. Look sexy. Look hot. Don’t be so provocative. You’re asking for it. Wear black. Wear heels. You’re too dressed up. You’re too dressed down. Don’t wear those sweatpants; you look like you’ve let yourself go.



Be a lady they said. Don’t be too fat. Don’t be too thin. Don’t be too large. Don’t be too small. Eat up. Slim down. Stop eating so much. Don’t eat too fast. Order a salad. Don’t eat carbs. Skip dessert. You need to lose weight. Fit into that dress. Go on a diet. Watch what you eat. Eat celery. Chew gum. Drink lots of water. You have to fit into those jeans. God, you look like a skeleton. Why don’t you just eat? You look emaciated. You look sick. Eat a burger. Men like women with some meat on their bones. Be small. Be light. Be little. Be petite. Be feminine. Be a size zero. Be a double zero. Be nothing. Be less than nothing.

Be a lady they said. Remove your body hair. Shave your legs. Shave your armpits. Shave your bikini line. Wax your face. Wax your arms. Wax your eyebrows. Get rid of your mustache. Bleach this. Bleach that. Lighten your skin. Tan your skin. Eradicate your scars. Cover your stretch marks. Tighten your abs. Plump your lips. Botox your wrinkles. Lift your face. Tuck your tummy. Thin your thighs. Tone your calves. Perk up your boobs. Look natural. Be yourself. Be genuine. Be confident. You’re trying too hard. You look overdone. Men don’t like girls who try too hard.

Be a lady they said. Wear makeup. Prime your face. Conceal your blemishes. Contour your nose. Highlight your cheekbones. Line your lids. Fill in your brows. Lengthen your lashes. Colour your lips. Powder, blush, bronze, highlight. Your hair is too short. Your hair is too long. Your ends are split. Highlight your hair. Your roots are showing. Dye your hair. Not blue, that looks unnatural. You’re going grey. You look so old. Look young. Look youthful. Look ageless. Don’t get old. Women don’t get old. Old is ugly. Men don’t like ugly.

Be a lady they said. Save yourself. Be pure. Be virginal. Don’t talk about sex. Don’t flirt. Don’t be a skank. Don’t be a whore. Don’t sleep around. Don’t lose your dignity. Don’t have sex with too many men. Don’t give yourself away. Men don’t like sluts. Don’t be a prude. Don’t be so uptight. Have a little fun. Smile more. Pleasure men. Be experienced. Be sexual. Be innocent. Be dirty. Be virginal. Be sexy. Be the cool girl. Don’t be like the other girls.

Be a lady they said. Don’t talk too loud. Don’t talk too much. Don’t take up space. Don’t sit like that. Don’t stand like that. Don’t be intimidating. Why are you so miserable? Don’t be a bitch. Don’t be so bossy. Don’t be assertive. Don’t overact. Don’t be so emotional. Don’t cry. Don’t yell. Don’t swear. Be passive. Be obedient. Endure the pain. Be pleasing. Don’t complain. Let him down easy. Boost his ego. Make him fall for you. Men want what they can’t have. Don’t give yourself away. Make him work for it. Men love the chase. Fold his clothes. Cook his dinner. Keep him happy. That’s a woman’s job. You’ll make a good wife someday. Take his last name. You hyphenated your name? Crazy feminist. Give him children. You don’t want children? You will someday. You’ll change your mind.

Be a lady they said. Don’t get raped. Protect yourself. Don’t drink too much. Don’t walk alone. Don’t go out too late. Don’t dress like that. Don’t show too much. Don’t get drunk. Don’t leave your drink. Have a buddy. Walk where it is well lit. Stay in the safe neighborhoods. Tell someone where you’re going. Bring pepper spray. Buy a rape whistle. Hold your keys like a weapon. Take a self-defense course. Check your trunk. Lock your doors. Don’t go out alone. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t bat your eyelashes. Don’t look easy. Don’t attract attention. Don’t work late. Don’t crack dirty jokes. Don’t smile at strangers. Don’t go out at night. Don’t trust anyone. Don’t say yes. Don’t say no.

Just “be a lady” they said.

text by Camille Rainville